Have you ever had the situation when you’re in a meeting and
you put forward a solution to something that’s being discussed, and it’s as if
you were in a parallel universe, not actually the same meeting? No one responds to what you’ve said. It’s as
if you hadn’t said anything. And then, a few minutes later one of the guys says
exactly what you’d said. And this time it’s different. “Great idea Mike”, “we
need to build that in”, “fantastic solution” “you’d better get started on that
straight away”. Your jaw and your motivation is on the floor. Your idea, your
opportunity gone.
If that’s happened to you, you are far from alone. In fact,
you’re in great company. Most of the top women I’ve interviewed in the process
of developing The Women’s Sat Nav to Success™ have recounted their stories of this happening and what
they’ve had to do be seen, be heard and be respected for what they bring.
So what’s going on? The content of the suggestions was the
same, but the gender was different.
There are some
critical dynamics in human psychology – our behaviour and how our brains work -
that explain why our voices are not heard.
Firstly, we see what we expect to see. If you’ve ever sailed
passed a turning that you should have taken because it was on part of a route
you use regularly, you’ll have experienced this. If you’ve ever put down your
keys but not found them again although they were staring you in the face
because they weren’t where you expected them to be, you’ll know what I mean.
And this is the way that our brain works. It’s an
unfortunate bi-product of how it makes sure it’s not getting clogged up in
details that we don’t need. And it applies to what we hear as well. We don't
hear what we don’t expect to hear.
I don’t expect my 11 year old daughter to know how to mend
my computer, so while I’m swearing at it and fighting the urge to throw it out
of the window I’m also dismissing “Mummy, have you tried clicking this?”. If I
finally calm down and try what she’s said after everything the older and wiser
Me can try - then, bingo, problem solved. So much time and temper wasted – if
only I’d considered her worthy of listening to. If only I’d valued her
intelligence, her experience with IT and her less limited thinking.
So that’s the second part – my stereotype of an 11 year old
is that she can’t help solve “grown-up” problems.
The workplace schema*
(in the majority of cases) is that men have the answers because
they’ve been the only source of answers in the past, and therefore we expect to
listen to them. They are the default setting. So we don’t pick up on what is
being said by people we don’t expect to have the solutions.
I’d love to hear your examples of when and where you’ve
struggled to be heard and in my next blog, “Making Yourself Heard”, I’ll talk
about what to do about it.
